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Tiny Humans Run my Life

Everyday ramblings of a stay at home mom

The Loneliness of Motherhood

We have all done it.

You find your click, your people.

Your community and friends.

Whether it is co workers, old friends, family members or in laws.

You tend to flock to these people in social situations.

Come together for events and just to hang out.

I recently made a big move away from that community I established.

And its been one of the hardest things I have ever done.

I wouldn’t change it, of course, my family is together and happy and that is most important.

But none the less,  its tough being away from friends and family.

To not have the option to meet up at a park or have them over for coffee.

I have come to the discovery that the older you get the harder it seems to make friends.

Its not like it was in grade school when making friends was as simple as sitting next to that person in class.

Sharing the same lunch schedule and complaining about your homework.

Sadly, you think it would be.

We are older now, hopefully wiser, and are all in this shared chaotic adventure.

I always thought of motherhood as this unspoken bond.

A bond us women shared going through the beautiful struggle of it all.

But I have come to realize its not expressed as much as it should be.

We all have the same thoughts and wishes but don’t seem to act on them.

So much of our time is consumed with social media.

Almost a blessing and a curse.

Being a great asset and yet feeding a sense of loneliness.

Watching life happen from afar.

Its so easy to click the reaction button on Facebook.

But much harder to pick up the phone or set aside time.

The friends who make the effort to be a physical part of your life,

Seem to be fewer and far in between than I would like.

As human beings we crave interaction, in fact, we thrive on it.

And unfortunately, I have learned the loss of that interaction.

The friends who just stop calling or drift apart from your life.

Its never easy to accept.

Especially, if your like me and desire communication and closure.

I found myself the other day conversing with the lovely girl making my coffee at Starbucks.

Toting my 3 children, looking half a mess and sleep deprived.

I Wanted so badly to try and stem a further friendship with her.

Lets face it, she had me at, “what kind of coffee can I get you?” 🙂

But of course, my brain fires off a million reasons not to.

Yet, had I been back in my school days it would have been so easy to develop that relationship.

Why do we shy away so much now?

What are we afraid of?

Yes, she could have found me to be a creeper and just politely passed me my coffee and that would have been that.

But it also could have been the start to great friendship.

One where we could clearly meet for coffee and let our children play together in the park.

The possibilities are endless.

Motherhood.

The bond that should exist, and all too often doesn’t.

Now more than ever we should be banding together just as we used to.

We don’t have to do this alone.

 

 

 

 

Long Overdue, I See You

I have not forgotten you.

You have always been in the back of my mind.

Needing attention and not getting mine.

Life pressed on and before I knew it so much time had passed by.

It was an ongoing ,yet, unnoticed battle.

I told myself a thousand times I would sit down and write today.

I have a notepad somewhere buried in my purse with notes and ideas.

Yet each day passed and my computer laid unopened.

A lot has happened since the last time we spoke.

We finally made the big move.

Still settling into our new environment and missing our friends and family.

But No more missing husband.

Our family is reunited and we couldn’t be happier about it.

And of course tiny human number 3 is done baking!

He’s here in our arms and filling our hearts.

I have three children 5 years and younger in the home.

That should be the definition of insanity….. 🙂

Coffee and lack of sleep fill my body and mind.

But overwhelming love and joy fill my heart and soul.

The everyday chaos of life takes hold.

Making it all too easy to forget.

You find yourself lost in excuses that have become the crutch we hold onto.

Using Facebook and Instagram as your means to communicate.

But seeing you my friend.

Talking to you and hearing your voice.

That has been long overdue.

Nothing compares to actual effort being made to show someone you care.

I’ve never realized that more than I do now.

Thank you friends for sticking around.

For thinking of me when I didn’t think to show I was thinking of you too.

Tiny Humans is back.

Running my life as always and with a new member in the ranks.

You will be hearing from us soon….

 

 

 

“Do I Look Fat In This?”

Let me paint you a picture.

A bed covered in various pieces of clothing.

Myself having changed in and out of them numerous times.

Sizing up different possible outfit combinations.

chasing my son throughout the house half dressed.

Trying to make sure my daughter isn’t destroying the freshly folded clothes I recently put in her draws.

A typical time when nothing I put on seemed to fit right.

I begrudgingly settled on an outfit and turned to my husband to ask,

“Do I look fat in this?”

Being the smart hubby he is, he showers me in compliments.

Now I have said this phrase many times before, As I’m sure most females have.

And one such as myself, who hasn’t lost all her baby weight.

As well as not finding the whole Foods Store and gym nearly as much as I would like.

My husbands current job situation requires me to be a single parent all week.

No school breaks in this household either. My littles are still at home 24/7.

So in this particular scenario I didn’t think much of it.

Until…… my daughter said that exact phrase back to me.

A few days later as I was helping her pick her outfit,

She turned and asked me, “do I look fat in this?”

It hit me like a ton of bricks and being slapped in the face.

My daughter only being 4 ,of course, had no idea what she was even asking.

She was simply copying what mommy said.

It was right then I realized that, my own self image and how I portray it is reflected by my daughter.

The weight of this information did not sit well with me.

I found myself thinking back to all the times I may have been saying negative things such as this around her without meaning to.

Its incredibly easy to overlook such minor details and not realize their impact.

My 4 year old daughter was already learning a complex that I was unknowingly teaching.

I vowed right then, to never use that phrase again.

To start focusing on the positive and change the things that make me feel negative.

I pulled her in my arms and hugged her tight.

I explained to her that she should never feel the need to use that phrase.

And in truth, she taught me that neither should I.

We put so much pressure on ourselves to always look our best.

Hiding behind filters and Social Media.

Its high time we find the things we love about ourselves.

And strive to be the best in what makes us happy.

To my darling Emma, if you someday read this.

Be comfortable. Be happy. you are beautiful.

Love, mom.

 

 

 

Missing In Action

Hey everyone!

So I know I have been MIA as of late.

As most of you know, my family is currently in the middle of a life transition.

My husband accepted a great job opportunity in St. Petersburg in June.

And has been working there during the week and comes home on weekends.

To say our home life has been stressed would be an understatement.

We miss him terribly and he longs to be home with us as well.

Not to mention, as much as I adore my children I am left to beckon to their every whim.

24hrs a day, 5 days a week with no “daddy time” breaks in between.

Its quite exhausting and honestly a lot more lonely then I realized.

In the midst of trying to find a suitable home in a good area near my husbands job

Which happens to be in a city we know very little about has proven to be very challenging.

But mostly, its shown me how much I took for granted before and didn’t even know it.

I took for granted having a husband who came home every night for dinner.

The smiles and laughter only a daddy can bring to life.

Someone to share everyday conversations with.

To tackle daily monotonous tasks together instead of alone.

Having that warmth and security laying next to me, and not miles away saying goodnight over a telephone.

I took for granted having my family with me each and every day.

And that’s easy to do when swept up in the day to day.

Seeing their face daily and finding yourself in a routine.

And yes we do get to see him weekends, but those two days pass so quickly.

While the other five seem to drag on continuously.

Hearing the small whimpers from my daughter because daddy can’t read to her before bed.

Or my son waking at night and we have to FaceTime daddy at 2am to bring him comfort.

These are the things that pain my heart.

My children are little but they feel the lack of presence from a man they hold dear just as strong as I do.

And at the end of the long, demanding day I go into an empty room and try to fill my time.

Before my eyes grow so heavy I have to shut them, but still I stuff pillows all around me.

In hopes I can mask the bareness around me and not squirm at every noise I hear outside.

I have most certainly felt “missing in action.”

Because to our family a piece of our hearts is just that.

We know that eventually we will find a home and our new journey will begin.

But for now we trudge through this limbo and hope it ends soon.

So that once again I can hear the giggles before bed.

And not toss restlessly through the night.

As you fight over the blanket tonight, find comfort in knowing…… he is there.

 

What I Didn’t Know About High School

My 10 year high school reunion is right around the corner.

I have actually been one of the people planning it for the past few months.

During this time I have had many opportunities to reflect on my days of high school.

I had plenty of friends back then and some I am still friends with to this day.

But I was by no means considered the “popular” crowd.

At least that is what I thought.

It being 10 years, a husband, and two children later, I’ve come to realize something.

I truly didn’t have a clue about anything I thought I knew back then.

I, as Most teenagers, always dreamed of being older.

Leaving high school and starting life.

But what I didn’t realize is high school is a crucial time in your life.

It is a key social surrounding that helps shape the person you will become.

Even now, my husband and I look back on some things in our high school days fondly.

And we always say, “we wish we had done more.” “been more involved.”

Once high school ended and I have to come to know many of the people

That walked the same halls that I did I wish I had known them better back then.

Took the time to be more open, been the one to reach out to others.

Because the truth is everyone is thinking and feeling the same way as you are.

Its that awkward time of life where your no longer a child but not an adult either.

But everyone has the same fear of reaching out to each other.

So instead you sit in silence and hold onto that fear.

Then before you know it time has passed you by and its too late.

I have been fortunate enough to make friends with many of the people from my high school.

And grow closer to those I already knew.

One thing is for sure all this nostalgia has taught me I don’t want my children looking back and thinking, “I wish…”

I want them to be open and involved.

To know its OK to be afraid but to overcome that and be the one to extend a smile or a “hello.”

Don’t be the observer from afar, you have no idea what sort of great friendships you may miss out on.

My high school days are over, and my children’s have not even begun.

But I make it a point in my life now to lead by example.

To be the friendly mom on the playground and in the store.

We are all in this together.

And you never know what wonderful things may blossom from a simple “hello.”

 

The Day I Lived A Nightmare

It was a normal afternoon here at the house with my two little ones.

We were outside in the back yard. (which is fenced)

Playing with the kids new blowup water slide.

Perfect sunny afternoon in Florida.

I had started a spaghetti dinner on the stove.

I told my two kiddos I would be right back.

I walked into the screened lanai.

shut the door behind me and proceeded to the kitchen to drain the noodles.

I was gone no longer than a minute.

I walked back outside and to my dismay I saw my daughter but not my son.

I asked her, “Emma where is Isaac?”

She replied, “I don’t know.”

I scanned the yard and saw nothing.

Panic rose in my chest.

Then my eyes fell on our pool in front of me.

And there was my son belly up.

Struggling and starting to sink.

I dove in and raked him quickly out of the water.

I fought through the fear coursing in my body.

My son was rigid in my arms and blue in the face.

awake and alert with terror in his eyes.

A piece of me died at that very moment.

Immediately I performed the Heimlich Maneuver.

He proceeded to cough up an immense amount of water.

I held him close and checked his pulse.

While continuing to make sure he expelled all water from his body.

One of my worst nightmares had come true.

I held him to my chest and cried like I have never cried before.

I couldn’t help but feel in that moment I had failed as a mother to my son.

Its my job to protect them and keep them safe.

My guard was down for a brief moment and that moment almost cost my son his life.

I am fortunate enough to use the word “almost” and that this did not end badly.

As I have heard in so many other stories.

I sat there clutching my baby boy in my arms.

Fear, adrenaline, gratitude, and guilt swarmed my entire being.

I couldn’t understand how this happened.

“How did he get in here?”

Then I realized next to our screen door is small cat/dog door.

We had never paid it any mind because our dogs are entirely too big to use it.

My son, being the curious boy he is, figured out a way to crawl through it.

Both my husband and myself have discussed ISR swimming as well as a pool fence.

But we never had the opportunity nor the funds to invest in these.

This horrific nightmare has shocked me to my core.

I never thought there would be a time my children would be around the pool without us.

Without their swim vests, that we have taught them to swim in.

I never thought I would be someone to experience this nightmare.

Words cannot express the feelings I am struggling to accept in my mind.

I am truly having a hard time writing this.

But I feel that this message is too important not to share.

DO NOT allow yourself to have this nightmare become a reality.

My ending is a happy one, but more often than not, that is not the case.

I have to live with that image of my son almost drowning forever.

The thought of his face in that moment brings me to tears.

And the immense guilt I feel is almost unbearable.

Please, I beg you, I never want you to feel this way.

Its the smallest thing that slips our minds that can make the biggest impact.

My son is alive and well and I am beyond thankful.

I will be taking every measure possible to ensure something like this doesn’t happen again.

But I will never stop reliving that this nightmare was real.

Hold your babies close tonight.

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Home Is Where Your Heart Is

I sit here and write this with a heavy heart and mixed emotions.

A big change has happened unexpectedly for my family.

My husband has been offered a wonderful job opportunity with a major company.

This is exciting and so well deserved for him.

However, it also requires us to move away from the community I have spent my life in.

I have grown up most of my life,almost 28 years worth, in the Cape Coral area.

My childhood, adolescent and first part of adult life have all taken place here.

I have made wonderful friends here that have been a crucial part of my life.

I am so elated and happy for my husband and this opportunity.

Not only does he deserve this, he’s earned it!

But I still can’t help the gulp in my throat and the pang in my heart.

When I think about leaving my family and friends.

Now before anyone gets too worried we are not moving out of state.

Just a couple hours away, but its still away….

Away from the place I was raised, the roads I know, the people I love.

I know no matter what we will be OK and will adjust just fine.

Yes, it will be an adjustment for sure, but in the end its best for our family.

Opportunities like this don’t just fall into your lap, and this one did exactly that.

So we would be crazy not to roll the dice and take it.

Don’t get me wrong I am excited at the prospects as well.

And I know the kids will adapt well anywhere we go.

They are young, happy, and loved.

We will still make frequent visits to our loved ones.

Now we just have to seize this chance to make new ones too.

I just have to face my fears and worry and cling to hope.

Like they always say, home is where your heart is.

So for now my heart will be split in two.

Looking forward to the future journey ahead and exciting things to come.

But holding on to the ones I left behind.

Time is a crucial element in life.

I will be sure not to let too much pass between us.

Its time for me to leave the “nest”

But I will never forget to fly home.

 

 

 

 

My Life Without You

As it nears closer to Mother’s Day this year,

I find myself reflecting on my life as a mother.

Like any first time mom, I felt like Alice falling down the rabbit hole.

Feelings of excitement, anxiety, fear and wanting

Coursed through me as I fell closer and closer to my new destiny.

Through every changing thing in my body and every new feeling,

I knew one thing for certain, I couldn’t wait to get to “Wonderland.”

Now having taken up a permanent residency.

I would have to say the Cheshire Cat had it right,

“Were all a little mad here.”

How much my world changed, and still continues to…..

From the moment I first held you, I knew I had never known love.

The first time you cried in sorrow, I knew I would fight the world for you.

Every sleepless night and painfully exhausting day,

I would do it all again to see you smile at the sight of me.

Most days I spend speaking in animal voices then to actual humans.

But to hear your laugh brings pure joy to my heart.

My house is always a mess and my clothes are stained.

I rarely get out of pajamas and often forget to brush my teeth.

There are days I think I may actually be insane.

But my life without you, would be no life at all.

Everyday, even the bad, is a day of memories.

One day your tired tantrums won’t be solved by a sippy cup of milk.

And your pretend play will cease to include me.

So right now is MY time.

My time to let the laundry pile up as we make living room forts.

To let the dishes sit as we pretend to be mermaids in the pool.

Take time to learn by examining rocks and leaves. (that’s a favorite pass time.)

Its messy and exhausting and full of wonder.

Thank you my darlings for driving mommy a little mad everyday.

Because everyday I get to be madly in love with you.

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Facing My Fears

I look at you and my heart leaps.

It bounds for joy and triumphs in your little hands.

I want to give you the world and all the beauty in it.

But along with every smile you give,

And every laugh you project.

A tiny clenching holds my heart.

That clenching is the unmistakable breath of fear.

I have so much love for you it hurts to really think about it.

So ,naturally, with that love comes the fear of losing it.

The fear of knowing that to experience wonder you will endure pain.

To know accomplishment you will also know failure.

With love also comes heartbreak.

All these things are a part of life and to be expected.

But I still fear the day you have to go through it.

My love for you started from the moment I saw that second pink line.

I changed that day and became your protector.

Kept you safe and warm until you were ready for me to hold you.

Held you in my arms on sleepless nights and assured you all was OK.

I whispered promises in your ears and kissed your sweet face over and over.

Your darling smile hangs on my every word.

I wish I could keep you in my bubble of love and protection forever.

But then I would never get to watch you grow.

One day my fears will become reality.

I have no doubt all will be fine.

And you will walk away with lessons we all must learn.

But it won’t change my heartache to watch.

As I put on my brave face for you and wipe the tears from your cheek.

A part of me will be dying inside.

Like a fate I cannot change, but instead must learn to confront.

For now I take solace in knowing my hugs and kisses can make any “boo boo” disappear.

 

 

 

 

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